my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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