Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
