I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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