Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
