DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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