She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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