omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
