I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
