By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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