me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
