It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
