Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
