His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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