You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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