I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
