My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
