I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
