yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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