just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
