I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
