youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
