i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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