My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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