How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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