maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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