I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
