My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
