have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
