I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
