I'm really into asian looking animals
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
