o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
