A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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