I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
