Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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