I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
