Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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