John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
