you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did I show you my penis last night?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
