ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
