Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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