My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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