I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
3pm strippers are depressing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
