Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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