So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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