He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
