If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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