yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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