You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
