Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
