i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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