the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
