We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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