He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
