My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
