i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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