duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
