i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I didn't notice because vodka
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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