He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
