We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
