Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
