The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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