Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness