I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize