I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face