Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(