I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
